Should I write

It’s so sad. So heart wrenchingly sad seeing her like this. I shouldn’t have let it come this far. I should have broken it before it went out of hands. We never should have moved in together. I am a horrible person.

I did this to many girls before her, but I don’t know… I feel bad for her. I might not love her but I care for her. I really do.

A girl, a beautiful girl so vulnerable now. Her eyes all red and watery, making her liner shift from her eyes to her cheeks. She comes out of the room and starts picking up her things without even looking at him.

I never felt this way before, but I don’t want her to think of me as just another jerk. Why do I get this feeling? Do I love her? No that’s not it. It’s just empathy.

She picks up a scarlet transparent glass jar, holds it in her hands and breaks into tears stumbling into a chair. She starts suffocating.

He, worried moves towards her to hold her. His eyes are a little wet. I gave that to her to save souvenirs from each place we made love.

She pushes him away, ‘Stay off me. you moron. You…’ her cheek bones appear on her beautiful face in anger. She covers her face with her slimy hands and cries.

‘This is so hard. Why… are you making me do this?’ she yells in spasms.

I want to tell her the truth, so badly. But, will she believe me?

He stares at her trying to talk. She walks away shaking her head in regret towards the room. She slams the glass jar to the floor, startling him.

He stares at the broken pieces that lie on the floor in sadness. I blame myself.

She comes out of the room. ‘You don’t even care, do you? You know for the first time in my life I thought I chose a better person’, her cheeks so wet from the tears.

He staying silent with no answer enrages her, ‘we fucking moved in together.’ Her rage echoes through the house. ‘I hate myself for loving you so much. You don’t even empathize with me.’

‘You didn’t even give me a reason,’ she stares at him in desperation.

‘Did you love me at all?’ she waits for an answer. ‘You are such a jerk’.

She is true. It may not even be empathy. After all these years, I might have lost empathy. I might have become a sociopath.

She curses all her pain out at him and starts to break things.

‘You asshole. I’ve made so many changes in my life for you.’

I should tell her. I can’t take this. May be she won’t understand, but still the truth might soothe her a little.

He tries to say something and stops. Why don’t the words come out? He moves close to her and hugs her tightly calming her down. She buries her wet face in his shoulder. After a moment he brings her to a chair in the dining hall.

She looks at him waiting for answers that would make all the chaos in her mind.

I am just gonna say it. ‘Do you remember the first time we met? We sat on a cliff and talked for hours. You admitted that you like me. I told you to beware because I am not normal, remember?’

She clenches her teeth and her hands become a fist. ‘Nobody is normal. You are going to throw that on my face now? That I got myself into this shit besides your warning?’

‘No, listen. Please. Aah.. I really am not normal.’

She stares at him with her wet eyes bewildered. Through her chaotic head which feels like a million tons she hears ‘I don’t die’.

She doesn’t speak but her tears stop to a puzzling face on her.

‘I don’t die ever. I’ve literally lived for a long time now. I don’t even remember when I was born. I am centuries old. I know its sounds crazy, i’ve been to so many therapists. All of them judged saying i am imagining things but none of them could be sure.’

‘I’ve been with countless women before you and every time I do the same thing. I don’t know why.’

‘I have seen humanity evolving through the centuries with my own eyes. I observed so many women and learnt how simple it was to understand what they think’, he tries to become more clear gesturing.

‘I…’ his voice shakes, ‘I prey on women you see, that’s my addiction. I can’t stop it even though I try. Every time, I say it’s the last time. I can anticipate what women want and make them love me. I feel so superior around them. For some time I thought you would be different from others. I thought of you as a challenge. But you aren’t.

He looks into her eyes, ‘Remember one day when you left to your hometown for the first time after we got into a relationship. I said i had some work and was too busy to come with you. Somebody came to pick you up, they were waiting at the end of the road not able to find your address. I told I would come and drop you to the car, although I didn’t really mean it. You said no and I insisted to make you feel that you are important to me.

‘You said, ‘there is no need for that. Besides my relatives are a little orthodox they would start saying things if they see me with a guy. Go do you work. Go’ you insisted and walked away. I wasn’t surprised because I still felt you were different. Not so easy to woo. To confirm I wanted to test. I thought, if you were to reach the car and look back to see if I was still there watching you, then am wrong. You walked to the car put your luggage in the back but just as you got in you looked towards me and smiled in excitement. I waved to you excited but deep inside I was disappointed. From that moment I knew all I need to be is a cliché lover. It was so easy to plan my every move.’

Her perplexed face made him explain further, ‘Everything you ever thought of me is planted by me in your head. I knew how to get you into bed even though you are not in the mood. I knew where to touch you to get you excited. I even did some things which implicated that I am serious about you. I made you addicted to me. You fell for every one of my manuevrs. Even the fights we had weren’t real I made us have those fights just to make you feel close to me again and it worked every time. You didn’t realize that those things were not out of love. I did those because I am a psychopath. I don’t know what made me this. I am not even trying to know because I don’t need a reason to blame it on. I accept it. I accept myself. I am an animal, I live on a woman’s love.

‘But only when you surprised me and took me on that trip and asked me to move in with you, I realized how much you loved me and trusted me. I realized what I did to you. I wanted to break it off. I couldn’t do it then and break your heart. I thought I would find some other way to break it off clean but I couldn’t find any. By the time I realized it went too far, you were so drowned into me thinking that I love you. Am so sorry, for everything. But I never did, it’s not that you made a choice you never did it’s all me. I hope this makes your feel better. It’s not your fault. ’

She stares at him for long time in shock of what she just heard. She snaps and goes for the knife on the table and plunges towards him.

He gets out of the chair and catches her hand and struggles for a minute trying to get a hold of her. He gets her hand on to the table hitting the knife out of her hand. ‘I am still right you are just normal. I thought you would understand and move on. But you won’t.’

With his other hand he pushes her away from him. Stamping on the broken glass pieces she stumbles and falls. She tries to stop the impact with her hands but before she could her head hits the edge of the wooden table and she collapses to the floor.

He gets back from the madness breathing heavily. She doesn’t move. He stands there looking at her, stunned. What did I do?

Slow and smooth a pool of blood forms behind her head and she hiccups for air. Her whole body gets into an involuntary fit. Getting back to his senses he runs to her and tries to figure out what to do. He rushes to the kitchen to get some water and put in her mouth. Water comes out of her mouth and soon her whole body, the hiccups and the fit stops and everything goes silent.

Calmness creeps into his head. He jolts back to a wall in horror and tries to breath in his confusion.WHAT DID I DO?

Suddenly he hears a bell ring at the front corridor and looks at the door terrified and calms down when he realizes it’s the neighbor’s house.

Without any lapse he prepares his mind and starts cleaning up the place. He decides to hide her long enough for him to escape from anything or anybody that could point to him.

As he figures out a plan and starts executing it, he thinks to himself with his eyes red and filled with tears.

After all these years, it’s surprising that I still want to escape and survive. I shouldn’t have told her. I should have let her be. He rubs his eyes lifting the body from its place.

I know now what it is that made this. It’s Time. The long never ending time. But I still don’t want to die.

He washes himself and changes his clothes after hiding her body. He goes to the door of the apartment to leave. Just before he closes it he thinks to himself.

The worst part of it is, I am not even sure if did this before.